Narcissistic relationships are emotionally abusive, draining, and damaging to our psyches, our
bodies, and our spirits. If you've been in a narcissistic relationship, it's a safe bet you've got some
healing—and some rebuilding—to do.
You've been through the pains, now it's time for the gains.
Following are a few of my favorite suggestions. They're doctor-recommended. (Because, hey,
I'm a doctor and I recommend them.) I've used them all. They work.
• Seek professional help.
Narcissistic abuse can leave us with a lot of emotional debris and even a form of PTSD known as Complex PTSD (resulting from repeated traumas as opposed to one major event). Find a therapist or licensed coach with experience and expertise in narcissistic abuse. Reminder: Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness!
• Reach out for support from friends, loved ones, and other survivors.
If you've been in a narcissistic relationship you've been lonely and isolated long enough. We survivors need to know we're seen, heard, and understood. This is vitally important. We need to know we're not alone.
• Create—and enforce—solid boundaries.
This is essential to protect yourself from any current or future narcissists or other toxic individuals who may try to infiltrate and destroy your well-being and autonomy. For example, learn to say "no" without guilt and limit contact with people who don't respect your boundaries.
• Educate yourself.
You need to know what you didn't know when it comes to the tricks. You need to know what you didn't know when it comes to the tricks
and traits of the narcissist. Knowledge is power. Read. Listen to podcasts. Watch videos. This knowledge will help you recognize red flags early and protect yourself in future relationships.
• Grieve.
No shortcuts here. You must go through all the steps of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). At your own pace. There's no "just get over it" when it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse. You've lost a partner. Your hopes and dreams. Perhaps even your sense of self. That's a lot. Give your grieving the time and energy it requires. (Note: If you get stuck at any particular step in the grieving process please seek professional help.)
• Forgive yourself.
Note I did not tell you that you need to forgive the narcissist. That is for you to decide if and when. Your task in healing is to forgive yourself. You didn't ask for this and you didn't cause it. This wasn't your fault!
• Create your own closure.
Unfortunately, you're unlikely to get that satisfying mutual closure that comes at the end of a healthy relationship. Because narcissists are
incapable of accountability, all the blame has been—and will always be—placed on you. An adult discussion of what went wrong is not in the cards. (Bummer, but true.)
• Cut the cords.
Go "No Contact," i.e., cut off all communication and interaction when possible. Make a "shit list" of all the shitty things the narcissist put you through. Refer to it if you're whitewashing all the bad stuff or are tempted to take them back. The shitty way they sabotaged your birthday or graduation? You need to remember that.
• Journal.
Get your ruminations, obsessions, musings, and thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Dump, spew, whine, vent, explore, and examine. Celebrate your wins, even the baby ones. And don't forget to make a regular gratitude list: The warmth of the sun on your face, the juiciness of summer cherries, the freedom to watch the chick flicks the narcissist turned their nose up at. You get it.
• Focus forward.
Reclaim and rediscover what lights you up. (I started making art again, for instance.) Nurture old friendships and discover new ones. Explore new interests. There really is life after narcissistic abuse—I promise!
• Safety first!
Take any necessary precautions to protect yourself if need be from retribution or revenge if you're concerned about your safety or that of loved ones. This might include changing locks, blocking their number, or in extreme cases, getting a restraining order. Don't tune out any inklings your intuition may be trying to warn you about!
• Heal your past.
Addressing any untended baggage, unhealed core wounds (such as childhood traumas or deep-seated insecurities), and unmet needs helps us repel future narcissists. Narcissists are predators who can smell "weakness" a mile away. Shore up any vulnerabilities you have that may have made you susceptible to the wiles of these emotional vampires.
• Give yourself permission to play!
Get creative. Get goofy. Have fun for fun's sake. You're probably long overdue.
• Rewrite your story.
Life with the narcissist never ends in "happily ever after." It's time to create a new ending, one aligned with the truth of who you are, who you are now free to be—and what you deserve. You are the author of your life, and this new chapter is yours to write!
And please remember: Healing is a process, a journey. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes the other way around. There is no quick fix. Stay the course and you'll get there. I promise.
